| Going back and reading |
[04 Aug 2011|01:02am] |
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mood |
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 curious |
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It is occurring to me that while so many of my entries and the responses were in fact HYSTERICAL, that the same issues that plagued me in 2003 are still here, 8 years later. I still hate the way I look, I still try to live my life by some standard set for me by a man, and I still can be destroyed by the slightest of harsh words from the man in my life. (Especially when it is the F-T word) I have seen countless therapists and been declared smart enough to not need them, (really. they all keep telling me I already know everything they are telling me, which is true, but I can't seem to make myself internalize the words) but while I have slightly improved my confidence, the best thing I tell myself on a daily basis, or heck a monthly basis, is right when I finish my make up, I look in the mirror and crinkle my nose and shrug my shoulders saying "eh....this is as good as it's gonna get."
Do you think some people are just generally ... this way no matter what?
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| When |
[14 Nov 2008|10:58pm] |
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mood |
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 numb |
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Hurt hurts. And nothing can take it away. You can smile and act like everything is all right. You can even say everything is forgiven. But is it? Can it ever really be? How many times can something hurt before it goes to that small place in your heart where everything is closed off and you feel nothing? What if that part takes over and you begin to stop feeling much of anything? What if it doesn't get better?
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| Perrin Heely |
[06 Sep 2006|06:15am] |
SNOW PATROL LYRICS
"You Could Be Happy"
You could be happy and I won't know
But you weren't happy the day I watched you go
And all the things that I wished I had not said
Are played on lips 'till it's madness in my head
Is it too late to remind you how we were
But not our last days of silence, screaming, blur
Most of what I remember makes me sure
I should have stopped you from walking out the door
You could be happy, I hope you are
You made me happier than I'd been by far
Somehow everything I own smells of you
And for the tiniest moment it's all not true
Do the things that you always wanted to
Without me there to hold you back, don't think, just do
More than anything I want to see you go
Take a glorious bite out of the whole world
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| ****Dearest Kearney and Karrie Fogle**** |
[18 May 2006|11:15am] |
Song for the Dumped
1! 2! 3! 4!
so, you wanted
to take a break
slow it down some
and have some space
well, fuck you too!
give me my money back
give me my money back, you bitch
I want my money back
and don't forget
and don't forget
to give me back my black t-shirt
I wish I hadn't
bought you dinner
right before you
dumped me on your front porch
give me my money back
give me my money back, you bitch
I want my money back
and don't forget
and don't forget
to give me back my black t-shirt
hey, hey!
so, you wanted
to take a break
slow it down some
and have some space
give me my money back
give me my money back, you bitch
I want my money back
I want my money back
and don't forget
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| wonder if Kearney knows...or cares |
[10 May 2006|06:24pm] |
I wonder if he ever thinks about me? I wonder if he misses me or feels bad for all the things he did? I wonder if he knows he had it all in the palm of his hands and he gave it away? I wonder if he knows I watched him spiral down faster and faster and it killed me slowly? I remember picking him up form his apartment, the one he was all alone in, and hoping I could save him. His apt was dingy and messy and cold. There was no sign of love or hapiness, save the tray he kept his pot on. I felt like he would have dne anything to have me that day. Joey said "C'mon Kristen let's go home" and he said "She is home bitch". And I think he would have done ANYTHING at all, except the one thing he needed to do. And now I struggle evryday knowiung that he is slowly killing himself. And I hate that he cant be happy for me. And I hate that I cant seem to forgive him. So you know I am a song whore, so here are the 2:
(Thanks to Erin for telling me about this song)
Empty Apartment
Call me out
You stayed inside
One you love
Is where you hide
Shot me down
As I flew by
Crash and burn
I think sometimes
You forget where the heart is
Answer no to these questions
Let her go, learn a lesson
It's not me, you're not listening
Now, can't you see something's missing
You forget where the heart is
Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay
Waking up from this nightmare
How's your life?
What's it like there?
Is it all what you want it to be?
Does it hurt when you think about me?
And how broken my heart is
Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay
It's okay to be angry and never let go
It only gets harder the more that you know
When you get lonely if no one's around
You know that I'll catch you when you're falling down
We came together but you left alone
And I know how it feels to walk out on your own
Maybe someday I will see you again
And you'll look me in my eyes and call me your friend
Take you away from that empty apartment
You stay, and forget where the heart is
Someday if ever you loved me you'd say, it's okay
It's okay
It's okay
AND........................................................................................... though I wish it were different
I dont
You say you're doin' better
For your sake I hope it's true
I wish you well
But that's all that I can do
Save your "I'm sorry's"
Just leave 'em out the door
You can't make me feel guilty anymore
CHORUS
You say I should stay with you
That Jesus forgives you
You pray I will, but I won't
The difference is
Jesus loves you, I don't
VERSE 2
I know it sounds cruel
And it's really not like me, but
You've put me in a place
I never thought I'd be
These tears I'm crying
Are just tears of goodbye
I hope you find someone else
Somewhere in your life
Somewhere in your life
CHORUS
You say I should stay with you
That Jesus forgives you
You pray I will, but I won't
The difference is
Jesus loves you, I don't
BRIDGE
I don't wanna know you still want me
Don't need to hear you can't sleep
No I don't, no I don't
CHORUS
You say I should stay with you
That Jesus forgives you
You pray I will, but I won't
The difference is
Jesus loves you, Oh I know
Jesus loves you, I don't
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| Yeah I'm a song whore, but it really is apropos |
[20 Mar 2006|11:51pm] |
Terri Clark She Didn't Have Time
It just seems so like the situation at hand..........
He said goodbye from the edge of the porch
like she'd been some casual friend
he said "your better off with out me
i'm not what you need"
like her momma had said about him
he started the car
pulled out of the drive
didn't waste any time lookin' back
she watched him go
thinkin' even a stranger
would show more compassion than that
she could've cried but she didn't have time
she had a baby to feed
a pink blanket to find
to rock their little one to sleep
she could've laid in bed for hours
giving misery the power
but she didn't have time
she got a sitter, she got a job
'cause she had a promise to keep
her day was a factory and evening survival
at night was exhaustion and sleep
sometimes she felt life was passing her by
and watching was all she could do
her friends said "you gotta get outta the house
and maybe you'll meet someone new"
she could've tried
but she didn't have time
she had a five year old to feed
she had ballet class, piano lessons
and t-ball little league
she could've laid awake for hours
giving lonely nights the power
but she didn't have the time
not time where would she find the time
to trust a man again
not time for that flat tire
a crowded parking lot and then
not time to just have coffee with the man
who got her tired fixed
she was thinking gosh he's handsome
when he asked do you have kids
she could've lied
but she didnt have time
all she said was "she's five"
he said "i saw the car seat I love kids
does she have your eyes?"
and they sat and talked for hours
giving destiny it's power
she could've been afraid
to fall in love that night
but she didn't have time
she could've been afraid
to fall in love that night
but she didn't have time
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| Erins letter |
[08 Mar 2006|07:14am] |
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So I go to check the mail this morning, ad there is an envelope with duck stickers all over the back and I see that it is Erins handwriting. I thought to me self, "Self, Erin has written you a letter. This is very exciting news indeed. Maybe she wants to be friends again, or at least let me know she is ok, Or maybe that she misses me as much as I miss her." But no! I open it up almost shaking fomr the excitement of having my sister back, and all that falls out is a key. She had returned my key. I am glad she gave it back cuz Josh needed one since he gets home after I leave now, but I was hoping there might be a ltter in there. I checked three times before esentially destrpying the envelope looking for the nonexistent letter. I just thought I would share my disapointment with everyonr since no one was there with me in my car that I sat in outside of my apartment for ten minutes just staring blankly windering why she couldnt be bothered to writer the letter. I guess she is finally listening to her doctors who tell her I am a bad freind and a dangerous person etc. It just sucks that this dangerous bad sister misses the oter sister so much. I guess it is easier on her than on me. I could not have maled it without a letter. I could not not call. The onyl reason I dont call her now is because she told me she was doing better until I called. That was the last time I talked to her. I dont want to be the reason she cuts herself anymore. But I miss her....
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| This will be of no interest to anyone but maybe Pumper |
[03 Mar 2006|09:38pm] |
Erins song::::::
They pull up their chairs to the table
She stares at the food on her plate
At the toast and the butter
Her father, her mother, she pushes away
And they rise in the morning
And they sleep in the dark
And even though nobody's looking
She's falling apart
She gets home from school too early
And closes the door to her room
There's nothing inside her
She's weak and she's tired of feeling like this
And they rise in the morning
And they sleep in the dark
And even though nobody's looking
She's falling apart
They call her for dinner, she makes up a reason
She looks at her arms and she rolls down her sleeves
And her mother is starting to see through her lies
And last night her father had tears in his eyes
And they rise in the morning
And they sleep in the dark
And even though nobody's looking
She's falling apart
And we rise in the morning
And we sleep in the dark
And even though nobody's looking
She's falling apart
My song::::::
skeleton boy by the side of the road.
he warned me, he told me;
he said, "there's this woman, she's a hurricane,
she will heal your heart up, she is hurrying."
he said, "don't look for holidays.
don't look, just run away.
go suffocate, and choke your own cry.
go where the water,
where the water, seeps from the pink sky.
but behead this woman, she's a hurricane,
she will heal your heart up, and she is hurrying.
remember your reflection in a pool, in a puddle -"
and the leaves sped top-speed towards me,
and my image was muddled.
"i'm a lightheaded wonder," she said,
"don't you see my mind slow down?
i'm a lightheaded wonder
don't you see my mind slow down?
slow down
i've compassion for strangers,
an affinity for danger -
won't you be my sacrifice?
i'm a lightheaded wonder
don't you see my mind slow down for you?
for you?"
no -
you're a headless woman, you're a hurricane.
you will heal my heart up?
no, i will heal my own heart up, because you are hurting.
cause i'm a sunburn slap upon your arm,
i'll twist you til you break,
and you're a hurricane.
A song that reminds me of us::::::some her some me:::::::::
Have you ever looked me in the eye?
Have you ever told the truth
Come on don't lie
Have you ever tried to know me better?
Better than you do
Bitch and moan
Away from home
I sit and stare stare
At the phone
Do you wait for it to ring?
Do you wait for it to ring?
Come on tell me the truth
Is that your thing?
[Chorus]
Do you demand a single thing?
I feel so selfish even asking
Do you know what I mean?
Do you know what I'm asking?
Oh won't you lavish me
Be fancy
[Chorus]
Look me in the eye
Look me in the eye
I can't believe I am surprised
After all this time
I think you'd know my eyes
Never thought of myself as a bleeder
But I leech on to you
What could be sweeter?
Pie, of course
But what could be worse?
That you don't look me in the eye
Look me in the eye
Look me in the eye
Look me in the eye
All dumb songs by Lisa Loeb.
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| News |
[16 Feb 2006|12:35am] |
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Call me for news, some may be happy, some may be not. But call for in person news.
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| Made me cry! |
[02 Feb 2006|09:58pm] |
Before the MySpace frenzy.
Before the Internet & text messaging.
Before Sidekicks & iPods.
Before MIKE JONESSS
Before PlayStation2 or X-BOX.
Before the 5 hours of homework you put off every night.
WHEN LIGHT UP SNEAKERS WERE KOOL
When you rented VHS tapes, not DVDs.
When gas was $0.95 a gallon & Caller ID was a new thing.
When we recorded stuff on VCRs & paid $3.50 for a movie.
When we called the radio station to request songs to hear off our walkmans.
When 2Pac, Kurt, and Biggie were still alive.
When the Chicago Bulls were the best team ever.
Way back.
Tag.
Get Over Here!!!! means something to you.
Hide-n-Go Seek at dusk.
Red Light, Green Light.
Heads Up 7 Up.
Playing Kickball & Dodgeball until your porch light came on.
Hopskotch.
Slip-n-Slides.
Tree Houses.
Hula Hoops.
Reading R.L. Stine's Goose Bumps.
The annoying Nano Pets & Furbies.
Running through the sprinklers.
Crying when Mufasa died in the Lion King.
Happy Meals where you chose a Barbie or a Hot Wheels car.
Getting the privelage to sit in the front seat of the car.
Drinking Sqeeze It "Squeeze The Fun Out Of It"
Wait.
Watching Saturday Morning Cartoons in your PJ's still wrapped up in your Garfield comforter.
Hey Arnold, Doug, Rugrats.
The original Power Rangers
Or what about:
The Secret Life of Alex Mac.
Ren & Stimpy.
Double Dare.
Rocko's Modern Life.
AAAHH!! REAL MONSTERS.
Wild & Crazy Kids.
Clarissa Explains it All.
salute your shorts(CAMP ANAWANA)
Are You Afraid of the Dark?
The original cast members of all that.
Kenan & Kel.
doug.
magic school bus.
flash forward.
pete and pete.
legends of the hidden temple.
hey dude.
dinosaurs.
pinky and the brain.
blossom.
hangin with mr.copper.
wishbone.
bill-nye the science guy.
kablamm.
Who could forget Snick? & Nick @ Nite with Bewitched, I Dream of Jenie, The Facts of Life & I Love Lucy.
Where everyone wanted to be in love after watching The Wonder Years.
or nick jr. with face
gulah gulah island
little bear
under the unbrella tree
the busy world of richard scary
the adventures of winnie the pooh
Kool-Aid was the drink of choice.
Wearing your new shoes on the first day of school.
Class field trips.
POGS
When Christmas was the most exciting time of year.
When $5 seemed like a million, & another dollar a miracle.
When you begged to go to McDonalds for dinner everyday.
When Toys R Us overuled the mall.
Go back to the time when
Decisions were made by going 'eeny-meeny-miney-moe'.
Mistakes were corrected by simply exclaiming 'do '
'Race issue' ment arguing about who ran the fastest.
Money issues were handled by whoever was banker in 'Monopoly'.
It wasn't odd to have two or three 'best' friends.
Being old referred to anyone over 20.
A chance to skate as a couple at the local roller rink was like winning the lottery.
Scrapes & bruises were kissed & made better.
It was a big deal to finally be tall enought to ride the 'big people' rides at the fair.
When playing Nintendo was the hardest thing ever.
When Ninja Turtles ruled the world.
When Lisa Frank was the raddest thing ever.
When a candy bar at the grocery store was the highlight of your day.
When coupons collected all year could get you a prize in your class auction.
When the only thing you cried over was your mom being late to pick you up.
When stress was addition and subtraction.
When friendships were as complicated as who's house to sleep over and who's to TP
When shaving cream was just meant for play.
When a first kiss only lead to cooties.
When valentines day meant cards for all.
When birthdays were a class event.
When a friend moving away was the saddest day of your life.
who would have thought youd miss the 90's so much
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| More cheez |
[24 Jan 2006|12:11pm] |
I started to smoke
To choke
On the lies and good-byes
Left unsaid.
In my head was a pain
So I pushed him away
On the day he called to say
“Meet me”
I said no and went to Jim’s
“Jim please beat me dead”
So I can match the look in my mother’s eyes
After the day my Daddy never said good-bye.
Six years have come and gone
And they don’t want to talk
They outlined my soul in chalk
But I found pills to kill the reparations
And consummations with a man
Who can’t stand…
Without a line of powder
Trying to save him
I gave him all that I could
And when he took all the I had
I still wasn’t mad
Until
“Kearney don’t leave. Don’t be like me Dad”
And in the silence he walked away.
Two more years of sorting through lies
Not condoning
Not owning
Just why’s
(And they never have an answer but they always look the same)
Every time you lie
Just look in my eyes
You’ll see the day my Daddy never sad good-bye
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[12 Jan 2006|07:45pm] |
Kristen was killed by these two women in the vicinity of Market and Castro Street.
Kristen,
was killed by a drunken driver in 1998.
Kristen was killed by her husband/
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| In Case Anyone Cares |
[12 Jan 2006|03:31pm] |
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In cae anyone cares, Josh is leaving. Everything came crashig down last night when I told him tht he was 18 and needed to find out who he was and he wouldnt be able to do it with me being there and I guess I thought it was what I wanted but I guess it was what he wanted so it is all decided and he is moving out after the next check. He said he is giving me this next check we get on Monday, and then I guess he is going to have to wait until the net check, (in like 3 weeks) and he is moving out with it. He said he wont leave until I get caught up on my bills, and my solution of laughing and telling him that there would be an unexpected emergency that would cause financial ruin for the next three years didnt see to work, though it got a laugh out of him. I dont know why I break up with people that I dont want to leave. He said he hadnt even thought of thoise things. When I first broke up wth him, he refused to allow it but I insisted on us breaking up because I knew in my heart that he needed it and so he finally conceeded and then when I realized it wasnt what I wanted at all, he figured out that he did. I guess it was all inevitable and if we had ever been meant to be, then we would and I ust finally thought I found someone that made me happy and he did and I thoght this tie it would be good because he was like the only person that has ever made ne feel that way. Oh well. It wouldnt have been fait for me to keep him here when he deserves so much more out of life than to raise kids that arent his and to be stuck around this crazy bipolar OCD GAD Borderline Personality disaster. M'eh shit happens.
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| Beautiful song |
[06 Jan 2006|06:52pm] |
2 Live Crew - dont change- musiq soulchild
verse 1lately youve been questioning if i still see you the same waycoz through these tryin years we gonna both physically changedont u knw youll always be the most beautilful woman that i know?so let me reassure u darLin, mah feelins are truly uncondtionalchorusi'll love u wen ur hair turns grey gurLn i'll still want you if you gain a lil weight yeah the way i feel for u will always be the same juss as long as your love dont changei was meant for u and you were meant for me yeahand i'll make sure that i'll be evrythin you needboi the way we are is how its gonna bjuss as long as your love dont change.verse2im not impressed more or lessby them girls on the tv and magazine coz honestly i believe that your beauty is way more than skin deepsee everything about you makes me feel i have the greatest gift in the worldand even wen u get on my last nervei couldnt see mahself being with another gurLback to chorusbridgeso dont waste your time worrying aboutthe small things that aint relevant to mecoz to mah undastandin you're all i want n needwot im tryna to say im here to stayand as long as ur love dsnt change to mebaby darlin i swear that i.. i swear i aint goin nowhere nochorus ...
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[28 Dec 2005|06:13am] |
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I think I am finally happy. I have a sister that I love tremendously, and a best friend that keeps me up all night laughing til I pee myself. I love it. The girls are good. Work sucks, but its IHOP, what else is to be expected? The sister and the best friend dont get on that well with each other, which does make my life difficult cuz I love them both, but aside from that, everything is great. Kearney seems to be doing well with all of his things, and I am so happy that God placed him back in the military. Sometimes I feel as though maybe that was my purpose in his life was to talk him into joining again, because look at how much better he is doing. He finally has a career and goals, and he says he isnt happy still, but I know he is doing so much better than he was. Life is good for the moment, and it may be the only moment I have.
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[16 Dec 2005|08:18pm] |
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shelby and I were driving the other day and she asked me about Daddy, and was still referring to Kearney and she wanted to know why he had to go and if I still cry and she cried so much. And then I cried and I triedf so hard to keep it togetehr and all I could tell her was that Daddy had to go fight a war and she wanted to know why he couldnt stasy with us instead and if he was going to beat the bad guys. It wasnt until after that I realized that Kearney didnt leave toi fight the bad guys from Iraq, bnut the bad guys from his past and his heart and I told her Daddy would win and he might be back someday and that we would be a family no matter what hapenned, but I realized then hoiw very important it is that Kearney fight the fight from within first and when he wins, when he beats them down all thjose bad spirits he has inside, we will be here. Then I heard this song on a Cd of mine and this is what I intend to tell her forever.::::
I remember the first day
I met you
we were so young
you were a blessing
and there was no guessing
you were the one
Love is so crazy
We had a baby
and said our vows
That's when you told me
should anything happen
I can hear you now
You told me
*Chorus*
if the sun comes up
and I'm not home
be strong
If I'm not beside you
Do your best to
carry on
Tell the kids about me
when they're old enough to understand
tell them that their daddy was
a good man
First anniversary
remember we
chose a star
And as i stand under it
I can't help but wonder if
You see it where you are
For whatever reason
We don't see the seasons
Change again
Go there with peace of mind
We'll meet on the otherside
Cause true Love don't end
and baby
if the sun comes up
and you're not home
I'll be strong
If you're not beside me
I'll do my best to
carry on
I'll tell the kids about you
when they're old enough to understand
I'll tell them that their daddy was
a good man
Two eyes
looking
up at me
Pointing to the picture like where is he
Mamma are you OK
What did the paper say
To make you cry that way
it said your Daddy lived for you
and your daddy died for you
and I'll do the same
Now baby
if the sun comes up
and I'm not home
be strong
If I'm not beside you
Do your best to
carry on
Tell your kids about me
when they're old enough to understand
tell them that your daddy was
a good man
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| Two For my Kearney |
[16 Dec 2005|08:12pm] |
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Some Say I'm Running Lyrics
Here I go restless heart
Another lovely misadventure in the dark
All my friends who knew me when
Tell me not to wander down that road again
What they don't know what they can't see
It's being on that road that makes me free
Some say I'm running
I know I'm falling back to you
The water's deep under the bridge
As I pass by our old house upon the ridge
All our sins have washed away
Now all that's left are all the things we didn't say
Oh restless heart you beat so fast
While my mind is telling me that it won't last
Some say I'm running
I know I'm falling back to you
Against the odds I'll roll the dice
I guess my heart has won despite all good advice
So grab your things and come on in
And get to know your children once again
When does a fool stop being a fool?
And since when is love obliged to any rules?
Some say I'm running
I know I'm falling back to you
Let's learn to give let's talk things out
Let's give them someone else to talk about
Some say I'm running
But I know I'm falling back to you
I cant stop loving you lyrics
I can’t stop loving you
So I’ve made up my mind
To live in memory
Of such an old lonesome time
I can’t stop wanting you
It’s useless to say
So I’ll just live my life
In dreams of yesterday.
Those happy hours
That we once knew
Though long ago,
They still make me blue
They say that time
Heals a broken heart
But time has stood still
Since we’ve been apart.
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[16 Dec 2005|03:57pm] |
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I hate cocaine. I hate that it ruined my marriage. And I do blame cocaine for ALL the problems in our marriage. For the lies and the fights. If he hadnt ever used cocaine, I would trust him cuz he wouldnt be such liar. It pisses me off so much. I just wish he wouold be honest. I wish cocaine never existed. I miss him so much.
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[14 Dec 2005|05:50pm] |
You scored 63 penis knowledge!
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| 1) The average human penis is: about 5 3/4 inches 2) The Journal of Magnetic Resonance published a paper about a method of determining which light wavelengths are absorbed and emitted by a specific substance which is known as PENIS (Proton Enhanced Nuclear Induction Spectroscopy) It is true 3) There is a museum devoted specifically to the penis. Its penis display includes over 150 stuffed and mounted specimens from about 48 different mammals. Where is it located? The icelandic phallogical museum 4) In penis to body size ratio, the animal with the largest penis compared to its body size is: A barnacle can have an erect penis of up to 20 times its own body length 5) The fastest intercourse on record is 3 seconds, for which animal is this common? (Talk about wham bam thank you ma’am.) Its the Chimpanzee 6) On average it takes this much blood to cause an erection in a human penis: It only takes about 2 tablespoons 7) The Kinsey Institute recorded the smallest penis as: Only 1 ¾ inches, does that make you feel better about yours. 8) The penis of a pig is shaped like a corkscrew, when he orgasms the average length of his orgasm is: 30 minutes, wouldnt you like to be a pig? 9) A lion can copulate up to 50 times in a single day. The reason female cats howl is because the penis of a male cat: Is barbed at the end. Ouch! 10) A dolphin has about 6 minutes in which to finish his business with the female, because of this: His penis is always erect and simply retracts into his body cavity when not in use. 11) Procreation is a competitive sport. Who’s penis has a scoop shaped end that removes the semen of rival’s from a female. Dragonflies are extremely competitive. |
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My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:
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You scored higher than 93% on knowledge |
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binky810's journal
